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it’s official

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i went to my second gynaecologist appointment this morning. The first one was a few months ago and we just chatted about what the future would be like in terms of my womanly bits. I couple of weeks ago I had my hormone levels checked via a blood test and last week at clinic I’d completely forgotten to ask for the results… but come to think of it, I don’t think the results would’ve made much sense to the haematologists anyway! So I got the results today. As the title of this post says.. It’s official.. I am infertile. Quite infertile by the sounds of it too. Which I was expecting. I’m not sad at all because I think I did my grieving when I was first told about the high risk to my fertility in the early stages of my treatment. I do feel deflated though. So maybe, although I feel like I’ve completely come to terms with it now, I’m still struggling with it. I mean, I don’t think any woman would be ok about not having any more eggs, going through menopause at 24 and not being able to get pregnant naturally. It feels like a part of your womanhood has been taken away.. Having said that.. I will definitely not be complaining if I never have a period again! That’s on my list of things to ask when I see the Hormone Replacement specialist. I’ll be seeing her in the next few weeks and she’ll figure out the best plan for me. Since I’m a 50 year old woman according to my reproductive system, I need some hormones given to me until I’m at the age where my body would naturally stop producing them. When I think about it, it’s actually a really depressing situation my leukaemia has got me in. I am completely and utterly heartbroken by the fact that I can’t naturally get pregnant and even just typing this brings tears to my eyes. At the same time, I’ve accepted it. I think. I’ve accepted it as much as anyone can I think.. But I absolutely hate that having children is going to be such a struggle. And quite possibly a very expensive struggle. I know a lot of people need to have kids through artificial means but this really is the icing on the cake. Leukaemia at 19, relapse at 23, menopause and confirmation of no natural pregnancy at 24. Childhood dream ripped away. But that’s life. God, I know that better than anyone. Life throws shit at you.. but you’ve just got to get through it. I’m just so lucky that I have the most incredible, supportive, understanding family. I would be in such a depressive hole if it wasn’t for them.. I know this because I’ve been on the edge of it for the past few weeks. Everything has been getting to me; lack of funds, lack of kgs on my body (!); I’m losing weight because my appetite is all up the shit, my energy situation.. I have more energy than I have had in the past, but still not enough to live normally, go out when I’m bored, start working, start a night course or something.. It’s the most frustrating thing and it’s made worse because I know damn well that I can’t do anything to change it because my body freakin’ has a mind of it’s own and never lets me know what it’s up to! I’m just trying to consciously not dwell on things, eat three proper meals and try  not to think about what I can’t do. A lot easier said than done though, unfortunately.



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